


The 'F' Word

by CursedwithaFairytale



Category: Glee
Genre: A fuck ton of swearing, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Blangst, Communication, Demisexual Character, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self Image Issues, Talk of sex, mentions of self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-06
Updated: 2017-03-06
Packaged: 2018-09-28 14:28:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10116410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CursedwithaFairytale/pseuds/CursedwithaFairytale
Summary: Blaine's known he's demisexual for a while, but doesn't tell Kurt. When a round of never have I ever brings up the fact that Kurt and Blaine have never had a threesome, Blaine's world starts crumbling down.Kurt's more than ready to help him pick up the pieces.





	

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: In this story, Blaine has a severe anxiety attack. The dialogue is based on my own experience, so it is harsh and has language I would not use. It also contains talks of past self-harm.

There are few things in life that Blaine Anderson hates. He hates getting sick, but who doesn't hate getting sick? He hates movies that don't have a good soundtrack. He hates people who can't open their eyes to new cultures or ideas.

Blaine also hates crying. He hates feeling like a freak. He hates when he's reminded that he isn't like other people.

Why can't he just be _normal_?

Usually, Blaine feels normal. One night, he and Kurt decided to act like _normal_ young adults and go to a party. They acted like a _normal_ couple. They held hands and sat together and didn't leave each other's side. Blaine talked about _normal_ guy things, like how Ohio State completely crushed Michigan or how he couldn’t believe Selection Sunday was next weekend.

He was _normal_. That is, until Santana suggested they play never have I ever.

The game started out okay. “Never have I ever been to Asia,” well, Blaine had. His mother lives there. “Never have I ever serenaded someone in a GAP store,” yeah, Sam was trying to get him out.

“Never have I ever been with two partners at once.”

Only three people didn't put their hands down: Blaine, Kurt, and Mercedes, who asked the question. Suddenly all eyes were on Blaine.

“You and Hummel never had a threesome?” Puck asked. The flabbergasted look on his face made Blaine want to throw up.

“Yeah. I mean, even Rachel and I’ve tried it. It was pretty hot.” Finn said. Blaine _really_ felt sick.

“Blaine and I are in a happy, monogamous relationship. Why would we?” Kurt asked.

“Woah, put back the claws Lady Hummel. It didn't take us by surprise. You and Blanderson have always been the old married couple of the group,” Santana slurred. “I'm tired of this lame ass game. Let's play something more entertaining.”

Before they could decide on a game, Blaine snuck out the back door. If he was going to get sick, might as well not be on the carpet. He didn't want to play some game that would result in sex anyways.

\-----

Blaine doesn't like sex. Sex is something people do to get brief pleasure. It doesn't mean anything, especially not to anyone playing their “lame ass games”. Hell, he's pretty sure Kurt, Mercedes and he are the only ones not to have slept with more than one person in that room.

It isn't even about how sex was insignificant. Blaine just… doesn't like it. He could never get into it when he was a teen. The Warblers used to go on and on about how much fun sex was. The talk never made Blaine uncomfortable, but the thought… Blaine could never bring himself to think about it. Sure, he masturbated, but it was more to get rid of his erection. It was never really about pleasure.

Then Kurt became his boyfriend. He fell _in love_ with Kurt. Kurt said he _loved him_ too.

Three and a half years after they started dating, Blaine found himself ready to give Kurt everything. That night, Blaine didn't feel like he was having sex. Sex is gross and meaningless and _ugh_. No, that night Blaine felt like he was making love with the man he loves.

When he sat down to think about it, it was confusing. Being intimate with Kurt was amazing. Blaine had never felt that close to someone. The thought of being intimate with anyone else unnerved him. He couldn't think of anyone else like that… he'd _never_ thought of anyone else like that.

Wasn't it normal to have celebrity crushes? Hell, even _Kurt_ had fantasies about _Taylor fucking Lautner_ before he met Blaine.

Blaine had been dating Kurt for four years when he finally confessed his fears to his best friends.

“Are you demisexual?” Wes asked when he finished.

“What? No, I'm homosexual.”

“Blaine, romantic and sexual attraction are different. You can want to be romantic with another man without necessarily wanting to have sex with him.”

“Demisexual means you only feel a sexual connection with someone after you form a strong bond with them,” David explained. “Maybe that's why you only want sex with Kurt.”

“Isn't that normal? Shouldn't you only want to have sex with the person you're dating?” Blaine asked.

“But before you and Kurt got together, you didn't think of anyone, right? You were never in love with anyone else. It makes sense.”

That night, Blaine did a lot of research. The next day, he was positive that he was demisexual.

He never told Kurt. Maybe that was a mistake.

\------

Blaine couldn't control his breathing. He shut his eyes and count to ten, trying to will off the anxiety attack bubbling in his chest. He tried to think of something, _anything_ , that wasn't about sex or that evening or being _fucking normal_.

‘ _You can't think of anything else, you freak_.’

That's when the tears started coming. Luckily, none of them fell before Kurt made his presence known.

“Do you want to head out? They started playing seven minutes in heaven while I was in the bathroom, and I don't think either of us want shoved into a closet.” Blaine tried to laugh at his boyfriend's joke, but the noise wouldn't come out. Instead, he nodded and stood.

If Kurt thought it was peculiar that Blaine didn't look at him at all on the way home, he didn't say anything.

Once their apartment door shut, Blaine went straight to the bathroom. He shut and locked the door before sinking. With his head between his legs and his hands over his ears, Blaine gave up trying to contain the attack.

‘ _What the hell, Anderson? What the fuck is wrong with sex? It's supposed to be fucking pleasurable. It's not supposed to make you this fucking_ ** _scared_** _. What the hell? Why would Kurt want to stay with someone like you? You're just a fucking_ ** _freak_** _. Why don't we count the ways you're a freak, huh? One:_ ** _faggot_** _. Two: can't even have sex right. Three: you're not even that_ ** _good_** _at teaching. How many phones did you confiscate while you were lecturing? How many people found you so FUCKING_ ** _boring_** _that they went on their phone instead? You know what? Maybe_ ** _Kurt is getting bored_** _too. No one wants a_ ** _broken_** _,_ ** _unordinary_** **_piece of SHIT_** -”

Blaine couldn't take it. He screamed. He cried. Nails dug into his skin, trying to recreate the pain he felt long ago when a knife made the angry marks on his arms.

Eventually, Kurt got the door open. Blaine didn't notice. He wouldn't have noticed if a tornado swept through their house.

Kurt took hold of his hands and wouldn't let go. Blaine fought to get them free, but it was useless. Kurt was always so much stronger than he was.

In the distance, he could hear Kurt trying to get him to breathe. Minutes (hours?) later, Blaine was able to match Kurt’s breathing. He still refused to open his eyes. He couldn't bear the heartbroken look on his love’s face.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Kurt asked. When Blaine shook his head, Kurt kissed his temple. “Let's go to bed then,” the taller male said before carrying his boyfriend out of the bathroom.

Blaine didn't have the energy to protest. His face was a mess, his arms were still lined with red, and he was _so fucking tired._

Kurt might have said he was worried about Blaine. He may have said countless declarations of love and devotion to him. Hell, Kurt may have recited the entire fucking United States Constitution.

Blaine only heard one thing that night: _freak_.

\-----

When Blaine woke up, his whole body ached. His head was throbbing, his arms stung, and he was painfully aware that Kurt wasn’t laying beside him.

Three pills and a glass of water were sitting on Blaine’s bedside. He took them all at once before going to the kitchen.

His boyfriend was whistling and making breakfast. Blaine didn’t think before wrapping his arms around Kurt’s middle and resting his forehead on the crook of his neck.

He didn’t notice that Kurt didn't do his skincare routine that night. He still smelt like salt and faint cologne.

“Can we talk?” Blaine whispered. He didn't think his throat would still hurt this much.

“Yes, of course. Let me finish what's on the stove and then we’ll talk.” Kurt whispered back. Blaine didn't move, but Kurt didn't seem to mind.

Kurt always seems to know what Blaine needs.

Once everything was off the stove, Kurt took Blaine’s hand and led him to the couch. They sat facing each other, but Blaine still refused to meet Kurt’s eye.

Kurt opened his mouth to begin, but was cut off when Blaine held up his hand.

“I need you to be honest with me. Do you ever think about adding someone to our sex life?”

Kurt didn't hide his surprise. This wasn't what he was expecting.

“Is this because of what Santana said last night?”

“That's not an answer,” Blaine said.

“Honey, I’m just confused. We've never talked about this before. What brought this up?”

“Kurt, I need you to answer me. Do you or do you not want to add someone to our sex life?”

“Blaine, please tell me what this is ab-”

“Just answer the question!”

Kurt was taken aback. Blaine only raised his voice when he was stressed. “No. No, I haven't. I like what we do and I don't want anyone else putting their hands on me, or you, or watching us. I think it's creepy and it crosses _so_ many boundaries and… no.” Blaine still hadn't moved. “Why… have you-”

“But you've had fantasies about other men.”

“Why does that matter? That was before I met you. You, Blaine Warbler, are the only one I want in my bed.”

Blaine isn't sure when he started crying. Kurt’s saying everything he needs to hear, but he doesn't _get it_.

“I'm demisexual,” Blaine finally said. “I've never thought about anyone besides you sexually. For a while, masturbation was only about getting rid of my erection.”

Kurt was silent for a minute. Blaine just hoped he didn't totally screw up.

“Is that why you wanted to wait so long before we… you know?”

“Yeah. I just… wasn't into it.”

“Did I pressure you?”

“No, never. I was ready when we did, and every time since. You've _never_ made me do something I didn't want to.”

Kurt nods and takes Blaine’s hands. “Good. Okay, good. You know I'd never want to do anything you're uncomfortable with.”

Blaine nods slowly.

“I just… I don't understand why you didn't tell me.”

Blaine lets out a humourless laugh. “It's another way I'm abnormal! Why can't I ever just be ordinary?” He stood up and started pacing. “I'm a gay man who can't cook, has a horrid fashion sense, and likes sports. I'm below the average height for a man my age. I’m not white, but I can't pass as Asian. I'm a performer who became a fucking _Government_ teacher! Why can't, just this _once_ , I be normal in something? Why do I always have to be a freak?”

Blaine collapsed in Kurt’s lap. He didn't cry, though. He was way too tired.

Kurt ran a hand up and down Blaine’s back. “Just because you don't follow some stereotypes doesn't mean you're not normal, love. I know, it's hard when you don't fit in with everyone. The Glee guys in high school weren't always the most accepting of me.” He took Blaine’s face in his hands. He let out a sigh of relief when Blaine’s eyes finally met his. “But you're amazing. No, Blaine look at me. I. Love. You. I'm in love with all of you, Blaine Devon Anderson. I'm in love with a mixed race, homoromantic-demisexual, government teacher who is sex on a stick and sings like a dream.” Kurt’s heart jumped when Blaine let out a small smile.

“But honey, you have to tell me when you're having thoughts like these. I can't help you if I don't know. This,” Kurt traced a red mark on Blaine’s arm, “this isn't you. You haven't done this in _so long_ and, yes, we’re making sure you see your therapist soon. Don’t try to argue.”

Kurt ran a hand through Blaine’s curls. “Baby, you aren't alone anymore. I'm not going anywhere. I'm going to marry you someday, and when I say for better or for worse _I mean_ for better or for worse. You know they aren't joking when they call us an old married couple.”

Kurt was so caught up in his monologue, he didn't notice Blaine’s heart rate increase. “You want to get married?” Blaine asked quietly.

Kurt blinked, “Of course I do! But that wasn't a proposal. You're the one who’s going to be planning that, Blaine Warbler.”

Blaine smiled, “I’d be honoured. I love you so much, Kurt Hummel.”

Kurt leaned in for a soft kiss, “I know.”

And sure, things still weren't perfect. They still had things they needed to talk about. But it was a start.

\-----

Years later, someone makes a crude joke about Kurt and Blaine’s monogamous sexual relationship.

“You’re just jealous that you can’t have all of this,” Blaine jokes, gesturing at Kurt.

Kurt smiles and gives him a kiss.

Blaine knows now being abnormal isn’t a bad thing at all. Not when he has his beautiful husband to remind him that he’s beautiful in body and mind.

**Author's Note:**

> .... Yeah. Way to lay it all out on the line, right? This story is different than I've written before because it is really personal. Please know that I, in no way, believe polygamy is a bad thing. If you're into that, good for you! This story was more about communication, demisexuality, and hidden fears. With that being said, I really hope you enjoyed.


End file.
